18th January 2025
I have a confession to make, whenever someone approaches me with a problem, I try to fix it.
This is generally good in a professional context, but when you bring this natural bias into your personal relationships, the results can be decidedly mixed.
Over the years, my ‘Mr. Fix It’ mentality created a lot of tense moments with my wife, family, and friends. They’d come to me with a problem and my analytical brain would start firing, deconstructing the problem and offering its various potential solutions.
I always found it puzzling that the other person would often reject my solutions and withdraw or even get angry with me for offering them.
It took me years to realize: I was showing up in the way that was natural for me, not in the way that they needed.
Sometimes people don’t want a solution, they just want to be heard or they just want you to be there with them.
Most people don’t actually want to be helped when they share their thoughts.
It might sound surprising, but simply acknowledging someone’s feelings can often be more supportive than offering unsolicited advice.
As humans, we all have needs for support from our community around us, whether that’s a work community, family, neighbors, or friends.
I recently read about the “helped, heard, or hugged” method which is a communication strategy where you ask someone if they want to be “helped” with a problem, “heard” by expressing their feelings without interruption, or “hugged” to receive emotional comfort and support, essentially giving them the option to choose how you can best assist them in a given situation; it’s often used when someone is upset or needs support, allowing you to tailor your response to their specific need.
This awareness helped me get out of my fixer default setting.
Rather than showing up for loved ones in the way that’s natural for me, I now try and meet others in the way that’s best suited for them.
When someone you love comes to you with a problem, you need to ask:
“Do you want to be Helped, Heard, or Hugged?”
Helped: Deconstruct the problem and identify solutions.
Heard: Listen intently and allow the other person to vent.
Hugged: Provide comforting touch.
If you’ve ever struggled to identify what your partner, friend, or family member needed in a situation, give the ‘Helped, Heard, or Hugged Method’ a shot & stay blessed forever.